Author Topic: Tess the Vampire is a blood-sucking adventure RPG with tongue-in-cheek humor  (Read 2971 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Software Santa

  • Administrator
  • *****
  • Posts: 4397
Tess the Vampire is a blood-sucking adventure RPG with tongue-in-cheek humor: for Mac OS X 10.5 or Later

Not for Children!!!!!

Tess the Vampire is a blood-sucking adventure RPG with tongue-in-cheek humor ....

Help Tess, the undead green-eyed vampire girl, reunite with her dead girlfriend, and drink gallons of blood out of the gory wounds of dismembered mortals in the process! There are also 7 different outfits you can wear! (Including the BUNNY SUIT!)
Explore 300 different rooms, ranging from locations such as the GRAVEYARD and the FOREST, to the NUCLEAR CHEESE FACTORY and the FOUNTAIN OF BLOOD OF VIRGINS!
Download it now for free!
Eat placentas and maggots, make people’s eyeballs pop out and chase them around in order to lick up the blood that sprays out of their skulls!


This game has an incredibly intricate plot, which would take hours and hours to detail in this document. Therefore, here's the short version. Just be aware of how much you're missing. If you want no story at all, just skip ahead to the actual manual section below.

Tess and her girlfriend Ebba had a suicide pact. They burned a few American flags and then chopped each other's heads off, the latter in order to be together forever. (The former was 50% shock value and 50% political statement.) Unfortunately they were high on weird mushrooms which caused Tess to accidentally slip and cut off Ebba's hand instead of her head. Obviously, with her hand cut off, Ebba was unable to kill Tess. Instead, she just bled to death on the ground while Tess hallucinated about pink squirrels. And then, in Tess' mental absence, Ebba's severed hand was carried away by a fox.

When Tess regained her senses, she was ridden by guilt over Ebba's death, and wanted desperately to die in order to reunite with her in the Afterlife. Unfortunately, Tess was so afraid of suicide that she couldn't do it herself. (Which was one of the reasons their suicide pact demanded that they chopped each other's heads off. Obviously.)

So she did what anyone would have done: sought out a serial killer girl and asked her to kill her instead. The serial killer murdered Tess and drank her blood. Unfortunately, Tess awoke the next day, to find herself inside a coffin, six feet under. The serial killer had obviously been a vampire, and now Tess was one too.

In the coffin, she was haunted by visions of her beloved! Ebba's voice from beyond the grave told Tess that she was all pissed off at the botched suicide pact, and that the only way she would ever let Tess see her again, would be if Tess fixed all her friggin' problems! Tess wrote it all down in her calendar, in order to remember it. Unfortunately, she misplaced the calendar and forgot where it was, right before an invisible force ripped the earth open, tearing her out of her tomb and back into the land of the living.

All she remembered was that she had to prove herself to Ebba by confronting her fear of suicide by taking her own life upon Ebba's very tomb! But where was the tomb again? And what was that other important stuff she had to do? And what was she going to do about the bloom deep inside her of the flower that is the desire to maim, slaughter and feast on the blood of the living HHAHAHAHHAHA


Okay, so you're a vampire. This means you suck. Blood, that is. At the bottom of the screen there is a Blood Satiety meter. Don't let it run out, or you will die. Press space to suck blood when you are standing on top of blood pools or on top of a fresh corpse. You need very fresh blood! Old blood is unhealthy for you. So beware of those old bodies. There are also different kinds of blood - they may behave slightly differently.

Your blood satiety drops faster during the day - avoid the sun!

Fight people by walking into them. To walk, use IJKL or WASD or numpad or even the arrow keys. We're trying to appease everyone here. (Personally, I use both arrows and WASD at the same time.) People will fight back. The screen gets increasingly red as your health drops. Run away. Vampires regenerate (not in sunlight though!), so just run to a safe spot when you're near death. No stupid medkits necessary.

Cause, what's the deal with medkits!? They're in EVERY game, and they're EVERYwhere. Why the f¡¿+ck are there human medkits lying around on alien spaceships, in garbage bins, on top of houses... it's insane!! I tried to aim for a more realistic feeling in my vampire game.

You can pick objects with the comma key. There are all sorts of fun stuff. Like placentas. When you have picked up a placenta, you can eat it with the E key. This will fill up your blood satiety immediately! Save 'em for when you really need to. Some objects will be used immediately when you pick them up. Pieces of cheese, for instance. Its effect is fairly obvious so I shouldn't need to clarify why you want to eat cheese. Also, you can find new clothes for Tess lying around. (Including the BUNNY SUIT and the LUCIA DI LAMMERMOOR DRESS!)

And, you can examine stuff with the return key. Tombstones and signs, for example. The return key is also used to remove the status messages that appear on the screen in big yellow letters.

Now let's talk about the mortals running around, and how you can kill them. Apart from just bashing them, there are several other things you can do. If you have razors, put them on the ground with the Z key. Certain people will kill themselves rather than fight you, if they find the razors. You can also freak people out by saying scary vampire stuff with the T key. The brave will not be scared, but the weak will be more scared every time you say something. Eventually, their blood pressure will be so high that their eyeballs pop and they start spraying blood through the skull and run about, screaming in terror. They are now defenseless, easy targets.

And then of course, once you find the crossbow, you can shoot people by holding shift and pressing a direction key. This only works if they are standing near a wall. The arrow will pin them to the wall and prevent them from moving, so you can calmly approach them and suck their blood. (Note that certain monsters may be able to get loose, because they are too cool to be pinned to walls.)

When you have died (again!) you can press space or return to automagically copy your statistics to the clipboard, for quick and easy pasting into your favorite chat room. You know, to brag.

You can not save your game. The reason is that Tess the Vampire is a bit of an exploration game, and if you could save the game it would be all too easy. Besides, it usually does not take a very long time to play it, so you should not really need to save.


Well, you gotta commit suicide, but it can't be just any kind of suicide, nooo. You don't remember which kind it has to be though, so you'll have to find some way of figuring it out.

Other than that, you can make your own goals in Tess the Vampire. You can aim to explore every single one of the 300 different rooms, or you can aim to kill as many mortals as possible... Or you can break your old speed record. (Speed of course being measured in steps, not hours and minutes.) If you like puzzles, I actually even put in like, one or two of them, for you to solve. They're not very difficult... But I'll learn them puzzle making skillz some day. Really.


It is a very good idea to explore the area around the graveyard before you enter the village and other areas. The graveyard area is a bit of a tutorial, it contains a few things that are good to learn about early on... Yeah. And also, you need to level up to prepare for the cave.


Space - Suck that blood! (Use also to just stand still.)
IJKL/WASD/numpad/arrows - Move around and attack!
Shift + IJKL/WASD/numpad/arrows - Shoot with crossbow!
T - Say something scary!
Return - Read signs and stuff, remove status messages from the screen!
, - Pick stuff up!
E - Eat a placenta!
Z - Drop a razorblade!

Now play the game and try to have fun, and if you do, e-mail me and tell me because I like mail, and if the game sucks, e-mail me and tell me why and then perhaps my next game won't suck. And if the game didn't suck and you're also rich, please donate a dollar or two to me so I can keep making fun freeware.


This Site was Opened on January 1st, 2007

Welcome Visitor:

Spam Harvester Protection Network
provided by Unspam